He/She Won't Even Shake My Hand?! (Here's Why....)

One traditional Jewish stricture I forgot to include in Jews—Stuff You Always Wanted to Know, But Didn’t Know Who to Ask is the custom of maintaining no physical contact with the opposite gender—including no shaking hands.

Note: Judaism allows and even obligates physical contact between genders in order to save a life. For example, a male must rescue a drowning female (if he can) and a female paramedic must treat a male heart-attack victim.

While refraining from any physical contact sounds extreme and unnecessary in today’s modern egalitarian society—after all, what is the big deal about a casual handshake?—Judaism is actually quite firm about this.

Here are just some of the issues with shaking hands:

• For a married couple, Jewish Law mandates against any physical contact during the wife’s menstruation period. (There are good reasons for this, as discussed here.) So it would be kind of weird if you can’t shake hands or even tap your spouse on the shoulder at certain times, but you could always shake the hand of anyone else of the opposite gender?
• Touch—even casual touch (especially between opposite genders)—is subconsciously more powerful than many people realize.
• People who do not even touch casually are less likely to engage in deeper intimacy.

When an Orthodox Jew refrains from shaking hands with you, it is in no way meant to imply that you are dirty, impure, or inferior in any way.

It is merely a religious stricture mandated for the Orthodox Jew’s personal standards and out of respect for the Orthodox Jew’s marital relationship (or potential marital relationship, as the case may be).
 
Of course, because Orthodox Jews are the only Jews who still observe this law, this presents awkward situations for both Orthodox Jews and for the unsuspecting secular Jews or non-Jews they encounter,

So how do Orthodox Jews handle a situation in which shaking hands is expected?

• Some just ignore it. Either they get too embarrassed and flustered to refrain from shaking the proffered hand of the opposite gender OR they feel that a handshake is so benign and that refusing a handshake is so unnecessarily offensive that they willingly shake any hand extended to them in greeting, regardless of gender.
• Some make sure that they always have their hands full, making their inability to conduct a handshake obvious. They offer a friendly smile and verbal greeting instead.
• Some make sure to always equip themselves with little candies and drop one into any hand extended to them by the opposite gender in place of a handshake.
• Some apologize profusely, explaining that it is against their religious principles to shake hands with the opposite gender.
• Some offer a friendly head-curtsey instead, with or without apologies or explanations, and offer warm verbal greetings.
• Some simply pretend they don’t see the proffered hand and instead look the person in the eye and enthuse about how happy they are to meet them.
• Some have the idea that if they wear a glove, they can shake hands because then there is no actual skin-to-skin contact (although I have never personally seen this nor known anyone who does this).
• Some get so flustered that they freeze up and just stare mutely at the extended hand or at the face of the extender.

 
For the vast majority of Orthodox Jews, it is paramount to avoid offending the innocent hand-shaker in any way. (Jewish Law strictly prohibits embarrassing or insulting others.) However, if despite apologies, explanations, reassurances, and candy-offerings, the potential hand-shaker still remains offended, most Orthodox Jews will feel that they have done their best and will not violate this religious stricture, despite the other's negative feelings.
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Of course, this kind of thing can lead to some amusing situations like the following:

Funny Story #1
Upon meeting her male boss for the first time, a European Orthodox Jewish woman responded to his extended hand by saying, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry and mean no offense, but I’m very religious and don’t shake hands.”

Later, the boss brought his wife to the office and introduced her to this same Orthodox Jewish employee. When his wife extended her hand in greeting to the Orthodox woman, the boss said to his wife, “What are you doing? I told you that she doesn’t shake hands!”

Upon which the Orthodox Jewish woman explained that the prohibition was not against handshakes in general, but only against shaking hands with the opposite gender—at which point, she warmly shook the hand of her boss’s wife.

Funny Story #2
A young Hassidic woman found herself in a reception line to shake hands with Nixon’s vice-president in honor of some amazing community work she’d conducted.

Surrounded by cameras and faced with a very important person whom she did not want to offend, she needed to come up with the right response. Yet having been raised by a family who’d survived Auschwitz and then later maintained a quiet life infused with strong Hassidic values on American soil, compromising on her religious values was not an option for her.

So when she found herself face to face with the Vice-President, she gave him a nice head-shoulders bow and a big smile, and in her charming Southern accent, she said, “I am so sorry, Mr. Vice-President, but my religion simply doesn’t allow me to touch men.”

In response, he gave her a smile, a nod, and some friendly small talk and then just continued on to the next person in line.
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So what should you do when faced with an Orthodox Jew of the opposite gender in a situation in which a handshake is the perfectly acceptable norm?

As far as the Orthodox Jew is concerned, it’s usually preferable not to offer your hand in the first place, and to make do with a verbal greeting instead. But if you do extend your hand in greeting, I hope this article will help minimize any feelings of offense or discomfort if the Orthodox Jew reacts with any of the non-physical responses listed above.